Let’s start with a short illustration by David Foster Wallace (an American novelist). There are two young fish. When they are swimming, they meet an older fish, who says “Good morning, boys. How’s the water?” The two young fish look at each other and one of them asks “What is water?”.

The Culture

The above illustration tells us that we all live in “water”, but the question is: what is our water? Our water is the culture where we live. 

Too many of us are oblivious to the fact that our culture (regardless of where we’re brought up) has been conditioning us since we’re born on how to think, how to act, and how to react. 

The influence of our culture is so prevalent and ubiquitous. It’s everywhere we go. It’s what we watch, what we listen to, what we read, whom we follow on social media and the people we hang out with. So when it comes to family relationships (especially parenting), we all have a so-called blueprint (courtesy of our culture). 

Since Mother’s Day is approaching soon, it would be fitting to talk about how our culture has distorted our parenting style. 

The Problem

Did you know that the current generation of school-aged kids is feeling more stressed than ever today? 

This is not fictitious. Let’s pick a developed country like Singapore as a sample. A local news channel, CNA recently did an investigative documentary on how the obsession with grades affects children and found out whether it’s prudent to stop chasing grades at all costs or not. The documentary shows that unhealthy obsession with grades has finally taken its toll on Singaporean children’s mental health. Those children have stopped being children anymore. 

The number one source of their stress is apparently coming from their parents. Unknowingly, many parents have robbed their kids’ childhood by focusing on their main purpose of living is to get good grades. Guess what? We can see that happening here as well, can’t we?

When we say to our children, your main goal is to get good grades at school. Do we realise what we’re telling them implicitly? It is this: being successful in this world is all that matters and you must strive for that. 

Suppose your son aspires to become a painter one day but you believe that being a painter may not pay as well as a lawyer. How would you respond to him?

The Solution

Let’s look at the Bible about this topic, shall we?

The book of Proverbs teaches us about wisdom, and wisdom is essential in parenting. Since parenting can be challenging, we need Godly wisdom to help us navigate these things. Whether you have children or not, there is something for everybody here. 

“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” Proverbs 22:6.

So here are our main parental duties according to Proverbs:

Duty #1: Teach our children biblically

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” Proverbs 1:7.

“For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding” Proverbs 2:6.

If you can only remember one thing from this, just remember this one. This is our number one duty as parents: we shall teach our children to know God so that they fear Him. It’s because fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Everything else is secondary compared to this. 

Tell them that our God is Holy and we’re all sinners. We can only be reconciled to God through the cross of Jesus Christ. Show them how to live before God and with others in humility and love. 

The last thing we want is to have smart and multi-talented kids who do not know and fear God. 

Duty #2: Discipline them accordingly

“Whoever despises the word brings destruction on himself, but he who reveres the commandment will be rewarded” – Proverbs 13:13

“My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights” – Proverbs 3:11–12

When our children make mistakes, do not over-punish them, but discipline them accordingly. If we under-discipline our children, they’ll become spoiled people one day who never grow up. But if we over-discipline them, they may hate us so that they want to leave us as soon as they can. As Apostle Paul says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

Please note that we are not trying to make our children compliant like army soldiers. We raise them to become wise so that they will do the right thing even though we are not present. 

Duty #3: Love them unconditionally

We need to acknowledge that our children are not ours but they are from our Lord. We only spend less than 20% of their lifetime together. After that, they grow up, they get married and have their own families. 

That’s why we need to give them unconditional love since they’re young so that they have a healthy relationship with their parents. We also need to assure them constantly that their identity is secured in our Lord, Jesus Christ (not in their achievements).

When they truly know this in their heart, they will have a firm foundation that is strong enough to embrace anything in life. 

Since we are saved by grace (not by works), we ought to look at the cross as the most important source of love and satisfaction to emulate unconditional love towards our kids.

May our family life be Spirit-filled and our children grow up knowing our Lord, Jesus Christ.