“Behold, children are a heritage of the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” – Psalm 127:3

Imagine this: A boy was building his Lego car when his mother called him for dinner. During dinner, the boy was acting unruly. While he was complaining about eating his meal and not listening to his mother, his father walked in the dining room. The father yelled at the boy, but the boy still did not listen. Furious, the father picked up the boy’s Lego car and smashed it to the floor. This made the boy cried loudly, but the father shouted even more.

6 years later, the family had dinner together at the same dining table. The boy was still picky with his food, which made his mother agitated and raised her voice to him. The sound of his mother’s raised voice made the boy cried. His father watched and was quiet. An hour later, the father invited the boy to his study room and asked, “Son, why did you cry?” The boy replied, “I don’t know.” His father responded, “Son, I know why you cried. It is because of me. I am sorry.”

Can you relate to the emotion of the story?

The way we see our children matters

I can only speak from the wisdom and experiences I have so far. I have two children: a 14 year-old daughter and a 11 year-old son. I was not raised in a Christian family, so I raised my children with my own understanding in the past. I listened to almost no one; and my family had to listen to me. Paul wrote, “God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir” (Galatians 4:6-7). By the grace of God, since He called me to be His son, I do not lean on my own strength being a father anymore.

So, let’s really think about this. How do we see our children? Being His son means that I am His heir. An heir is a person who inherits and continues the work of a predecessor. King Solomon said in Psalm 127:3, “Behold, children are a heritage of the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Heritage also means inheritance, and inheritance is normally precious and important. When a father hands down inheritance to the children, the children receive what belongs to the father. In the same way as His son, God gives me a precious inheritance: children.

Do we see our children as God’s precious inheritance to us? I am not sure what kind of inheritance you have been working hard on. I would like to bring your focus not on worldly inheritance nor possessions, but the greatest one: spiritual inheritance. There are definitely many resources or tips on the do’s and don’ts of being a father. But I am here to offer you my simple and practical advice on being a father.

We need to have a close relationship with the Lord, which eventually gives us the true knowledge and wisdom to be a father.

Two sides of the spiritual coin

This advice is a spiritual coin. James said, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19). This coin has two sides: listening and speaking. Let’s go through three places I use this coin as a father. Believe me; it works!

The first place is with the Lord. I listen to the Lord through reading His Word. I speak to Him through prayers. Of course, it is impossible to do this without the almighty agency of the Holy Spirit. We need to have a close relationship with the Lord, which eventually gives us the true knowledge and wisdom to be a father.

The second place I use the coin is with my children. Love is both a gift and a choice. To love our children is to listen to them. Trust me, children want to be heard. They want to know that they are loved. I understand that it is hard for us, as parents, to listen. Listening is not easy. We feel that we have more experiences and we deserve to be heard.  A recent study stated, “fatherless children are five times more likely to have experienced physical abuse and emotional maltreatment, with a one hundred times higher risk of fatal abuse.” I am not saying that our children are fatherless. But, we’d better make sure we are fully present and attentive so that our children experience the full benefit of having a father. It takes time, and the time can be inconvenient. Giving time also means to be a companion: a companion who listens.

Love is both a gift and a choice. To love our children is to listen to them.

So far, it seems like I say much about listening. When do I speak then? Please pay careful attention here. This is the time when I use the coin in two places at the same time. While listening to my children, I also listen and speak to the Holy Spirit, discerning what my children are telling. When they finish their stories, I do not jump straight into making comments. I try to ask, “Do you want me to just listen; or you want me to respond?” This simple question assures the children that I am listening. I notice that the more I listen, the less I have to speak for them to listen to me. Recently, I was deciding whether I should take one or two subjects for the Fall semester. I randomly asked my daughter, and she responded, “If you were to take two classes, when would you have time for me?” Using the coin with my daughter has increased her desire to be with her dad.

The last place to use the coin is with neighbors. It is written in Deuteronomy 29:29 “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children, that we may do all the words of this law.” None of us can completely know nor understand everything. We need our neighbours. Each of us has wide varieties of family history and life experiences. Neighbours are people in our lives: wife, parents, parents-in-law, siblings, relatives and friends. But more importantly, as believers, do not forget that we are given brothers and sisters in the family of God. In my experience, I use this coin slightly differently here than in the other places. In other situations, I start with listening. But, here, I encourage us to humbly begin with speaking to our neighbours, especially other fathers in our church community. They could be the Lord’s extended hands when we feel like He is distant. God might speak to us through our neighbours’ words or experiences.

My days are numbered; one day I will leave my children. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14). So, while I am still here, this coin has helped me to take care of God’s precious inheritance, my children, and assisted me in bringing my children to Jesus.

Now, would you like to use this coin?

Last Saturday, the father in our first story was having a fellowship with his brothers and sisters in Christ, leaving the boy at home. Therewas a missed call on his phone from home. He asked his wife, “Could you check whether anyone was looking for me?” His wife replied, “Yourboy asked when you will be home. He asked why you were out so long.” Six years ago, the boy was scared of him; now, the boy desired the dad to come home and be with him. The dad said in heart, “Lord, thank you.”

Suggestions for further reading:

1. Thomas Hart The Art of Christian Listening
2. Jared Longshore The Case For The Christian Family